2005-03-23 17:09:52 UTC
Are American Roads a Jungle?
"I have managed to survive more than 12 months driving here, and I
thought I would share some tips with you, in case you ever develop
masochistic tendencies and evince a desire to drive here. These tips
will help you blend in."
Surviving in the jungle for 12 month ain't easy feat. It takes a lot of
knowledge of the laws...of the jungle. Number one is, size matters,
like the big fish eats the little fish... But don't take it from me...
Choice of Vehicle
-Choose the largest vehicle you can. Because petrol is so cheap here,
no matter how large your vehicle is, it still won't cost much to run. A
very large vehicle gives you several advantages.
-A large vehicle will allow you to see the traffic. If everyone is
driving normal size cars, everyone can see ahead to watch for stopping
or danger, and everyone can see if it's safe to turn left or right.
However, no-one drives normal size cars here. Everyone is driving large
vehicles. If you drive a normal size car, the sort found in the rest of
the world, you will be unable to see anything other than the tops of
the wheels of the other vehicles. This is clearly dangerous. Your only
recourse is to drive a huge vehicle yourself. The bigger the better,
because then you can peer over the tops of the other vehicles and be
alert for danger.
-The larger the vehicle you are driving, the more you can intimidate
the fools who choose to drive anything smaller. You will often need to
force other vehicles out of your way, especially those fools who
misunderstand the speed limits. And any fool who hesitates. If you have
a vehicle the same size as the one you want to intimidate, you are
going to make no impression on the other driver. Remember, they aren't
usually watching the road, so they won't notice your vehicle unless you
are really, really HUGE. If your vehicle is 6 times their size, then
they will notice you and they will hear you. You can happily ignore
them. They will stop or veer away from you because they know they will
be crushed by your juggernaut if they don't.
-When you choose your large vehicle, it will be unfinished. You will
need to modify the vehicle to suit your personality and abilities.
Generally speaking, you should enlarge your vehicle. Make it an extra 3
feet higher by adding massive shock absorbers and hydraulics. Make it
bigger again by adding oversized tyres. Make it wider by adding wide
tyres or huge side mirrors. You should aim to make the vehicle appear
bigger and bulkier. The bigger you are, the better you can be seen. The
bigger you are, the more vehicles you can intimidate.
On The Road
-Do not use your indicators to change lanes. It is a sign of weakness,
a warning that you not confident or skilled enough to simply move into
the next lane. Indicators are usually used by drivers who are not
travelling with the pack and are unable to simply move into a gap. If
you use your indicators, you will be seen as a dangerous driver and
other drivers will PUNISH you. They will punish you by immediately
moving up to block your passage.
-Do not use your indicators when turning corners. It is unnecessary as
no-one needs to know if you are turning or not.
-Because of the nature of the roads, you will often enter a highway in
the right-most lane, and need to turn left almost immediately
afterwards. You will need to cross four or five lanes almost
immediately. This is relatively easy and should be done without the use
of indicators. If you use your indicators, other drivers will close up
and prevent your passage. Most drivers will be travelling in packs and
travelling at speed. You can trust them to maintain their formations.
Simply swing across into the desired lane. They will trust you too and
they will not slow down or swerve. They will simply ignore you. This is
correct behaviour and traffic will flow smoothly.
-When you first obtain a drivers license in your state of choice, you
have to sit for a small examination to show that you know the rules of
the road. You will be given a small booklet with the rules in it and
expected to memorise it. Two things to remember. The book contains
rules and numbers that you have to remember just long enough to pass
the exam and get your license. It can then be forgotten. This is a
small exercise in short-term memory abilities. And anyway, the rules
are optional. They are for ideal conditions, like when a traffic
policeman is watching you carefully. They are not meant to be used in
the real world. For example, the book says you should not cross
unbroken white lines. In reality, you should not cross unbroken white
lines unless you want to.
Sharing The Road
-You might sometimes notice that there are things on the road that are
smaller than smaller vehicles. I refer to motorcycles, bicycles,
pedestrians and animals. These are small and can generally be ignored.